This was probably the dirtiest trick I’ve ever tried. Wendell made fake potting soil by crushing up Oregon-O cookies in a plastic bag, and I shaped leftover brownies with my bare hands. “That looks disgusting!” Wendell said as I formed walnut brownies into the shape of dog poo.
Once the raw materials were in place, Wendell and I sat in the front yard talking about how we were going to pull off this prank. I spotted Arthur’s sporty little car turning the corner, heading our way. “Here he comes!” I warned.
Arthur stepped out of his car. “Hey, Arthur, will you get sick if you eat dirt?” I asked.
“Why do you ask?” replied Arthur.
“Well, Wendell ate a worm the other day, and now he’s eating dirt from the flowerbed.”
“Gross! Why is he doing that?”
“I dared him. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t eat on a dare.”
“Hey, Wendell. Looks like the neighbor’s dog pooped in our yard again. I dare you to lick it.”
Wendell looked at me. “You’re going to have to pay me if you want me to lick the dog poo.”
“I double dog poo dare you.” I said.
Wendell hesitated, “Sure, I’ll do it for twenty bucks. But how are you going to get the other ten, if ten is all you have?”
I looked over at Arthur. “Will you pitch in ten bucks to see him lick the dog poo?”
“He’s full of it. He won’t do it. Sure I’ll pay ten…I’ll pay twenty to see it. Think about it, that poo came out of a dog’s butt. That’s stinkin’ nasty!”
Wendell got on his hands and knees and put his face down close to the poo. “Eeew, it stinks really bad. It must be fresh.” Just as he stuck out his tongue, I made an impromptu change in our plan. I got down on the grass next to Wendell, and shoved his face right into the dog poo.
Wendell looked up at me with an angry, poo smudged look on his face. Then he picked up the poo, threw it at me, and hit me in the forehead.
That upset me, so I picked up the poo, ran at him and tackled him on the grass. Then I pinned him down with his arms under my knees and said:
“No! No! No!” he cried as I shoved a piece in his mouth and covered his mouth with my hand.
“I won’t let you up until you swallow it. You’d better swallow it and get it over with or I’ll shove it down your throat with my fist!”
Wendell chewed and swallowed the poo. I got up off of him and said, “Now we’re even. Don’t you ever throw poo at me again.”
Wendell got up and looked at me with puppy dog eyes, “Do I get the money now?”
I said, “Yeah, I think you earned it this time. My money’s in the house.” Then we both looked at Arthur, who hadn’t said a word the whole time. He had a stunned look on his face. And sure enough, he paid Wendell the cash, and then went inside the house to tell Lynette about the whole ordeal.
I asked Wendell, “How did the brownies taste?”
“Not bad. I didn’t know you were going to shove my face into it and force me to eat it.”
“Way to roll with it. You did great, bro. Now how do you want to spend the twenty bucks Arthur gave us?”
I have to say, Wendell and I make a doggone good team. He’s becoming less of a foe, and that is not a faux statement.